My Past and my Pain Cant Confine Me~

  Hey readers good afternoon; I hope you all are doing the very best you can. I have decided to write a entry from a assignment I did for my therapist a few years back, but I have a strong feeling that a lot of you will be able to relate to what I have written. Its real and its raw.

I wrote about Anger, my anger was a part of me for a very long time. My anger was not” oh why me “My anger was turned inward most of the time. My depression was turned inward for years; it was because my bipolar had such a grasp on my life. I was in a web of a vicious cycle. Angry for many reasons, Angry for being bullied at school, For many years. Angry that my innocence was taken and my trust shaken when I was raped. I was angry that depression had reared its ugly head, and I had to find the strength to fight that monster every day, trying with every breath I took to find a reason to keep living. Though the reasons were all around me, I just could not see through the bleakness and the dark clouds.

   I was angry when don and I first got married and we lost our precious little one, never to hold her in our arms, only our hearts and only memories of what could have been. I was angry when loved ones passed away especially when my mother in law passed because the bond we had was indescribable. Angry when my parents divorced after 25 years of marriage. Angry that after those years after our miscarriage, we dealt with infertility and still do to this day. I was angry when I got diagnosed with  a rare form of tumors a  form of cancer that though it could not kill me, I could and did end up with many complications and I just didn’t get it once I got it twice. Angry that all the hard work I did in college had to stop. Angry after years of not working then able to get a job in something I had a passion for I had to stop working again. For this time, I was facing a completely new set of health problems! I had overcome so much already… but I felt like I had every right to be angry!

  I had dealt with 9 inpatient hospital stays as a result of my depression, I used to be on 24 pills a day alone for my bipolar. In addition, self-injury too, I pushed through all that to beat the odds, starting to see dreams come true… for it all to be taken away again that made me angry! Now being diagnosed with IC(Interstitial Cystitis) fibromyalgia, Pelvic floor disorder, arthritis,Myofasical pain syndrome, and possible Endometroisos still waiting to find out about that. I have learned to let go of false expectations! I have learned to love myself, and have to remind myself that all that I have overcome and been through with Gods strength! I’m  still here aren’t I,  even after all that, by Gods mighty hands holding me, I’m still here fighting each day, but I’m stable now with my mental health praise God!

  I learned that the blade was not my friend, but a way of covering up the real pain, pain I had been running from, pain I was trying to numb! It never was a friend! I now had to face what is, and that’s I’m a chronic pain patient!, my life won’t ever be the same. We all know pain changes people it can, but only if you do not let it define YOU! It could change you for the better, and you come out stronger  than before with a greater appreciation for   your life and the good days and more empathy for others struggling ,or will you hide away the rest of your life when you have so much potential. You just have to stop being afraid of what could be and embrace help and what plans God wants to accomplish through you! Therefore, here is the poem that I wrote along with this entry!

                                                     You wanted the best of me

  A cold room she sits alone by the window as the hours tick by, it feels like a eternity, this moment in time time stands still, but its over before she closes her eyes. The new day dawns and she struggles once more to open her eyes,  to face the music, the news, is this her new reality, will this be the norm? This time around its different, it’s not just a experience, this pain of mine doesn’t go away, when the day is done and the night comes… it’s still there lingering…. The coldness, the darkness, the isolation of feeling alone in this! Has it come to this point? Where little can be done for my pain treatment after treatment the doctor’s words echo through her ears! It tried to engulf my spirit. Pain so relentless I cannot find the words to speak.

 If I cry, the tears will not let up. You want to wake from this nightmare and make it all just disappear! you have seen your hopes and your dreams slip through your fingers , one by one..YOU found another reason to be angry! At times so depressed you are angry or so angry you are depressed, the cycle begins once again! How do I get off this merry go round of emotional highs and gut wrenching lows! It is not God I am angry at, but my pain, this disease! What ic has taken from me, what it wants, but in no way do I want it to define me! I want my life back! I am taking back the reigns was at the bottom of the pit, then came out on top, only for ic to rock my world and rock it to the core! I am not about to roll over and give up! IC you wanted the best of me…

 NO the best is yet to come! Help me Lord; release the hold you are not taking me down with you! You cannot have my hopes and my dreams! You are a part of me, but never will YOU ever define me, NO! I still have much to give and much life to live and I’m going to do it the best I know how, for my past is not part of my future, one day, one moment at a time, I’m ready to take this on and the chains of anger no longer hold me cell bound! The end!( this poem I wrote about my depression about dealing with my ic and other chronic pain, but anyone can relate to it  regarding their depression) the end~

Use Your Story to Find your Voice~

 As a writer, I think a lot about the world around me, and how society plays a role in how the outside world views mental health.  I have dealt with depression and bipolar for so long though ive been stable for years, and I continue on that road of living a life of mental stability. I want to challenge each of you to rise above the ashes of what you see your life to be. You there; Don’t just sit in the cell and be a prisoner of your illness if you need help reach out your hand if you have a story to tell which we all do, speak out. don’t sit in silence, not for one minute longer, because the longer we sit in silence the longer it will take for the stigma  that surrounds mental health to fall to the way side.

  Yes were only one person you say, but one person can make a change, especially if a lot of us stand up and speak out to the world around us. You see I’m doing my part, don’t say, I m not a good writer, tell what you know, what you know is what you’ve been through, no one has felt your feelings the way you do, or gone through it exactly like you have. Do not say you cannot speak, speak to your friends, your coworkers, your family, anyone who will take the time to listen to a story of a life, your life that matters, your life which is worth fighting for!

 The words of a poem are coming to me….

   “Words”

  My heart bleeds my tears, for all the lost, the lost and forgotten years, years that I let fall to the wayside, because I did not speak, I could not find  my voice, I did not believe that I could. I had to search, deep within myself to pull out my courage, my dreams that I thought were long gone. My words were written as scars that I wore, words that I tired to speak, but just could not find that strength I needed to step out of that prisoner cell, four walls that enveloped me for so long, walls that kept me safe from the outside world, there was  no bridge to cross.

  I had felt every loss. yes at times I felt like I was at the end of my rope; I didn’t just want to tie a knot, I wanted to let go and  just find that release, but something deep inside started to stir my heart., deep down I knew I had the strength of a lion, yet had lost my will to be brave, I could not make a sound, for each word fell on deaf ears. Night after night, the tears fell from my eyelids, but each time i cried I found the strength to get up once more. I wanted to hid away, but something told me to stay put, to take my stand, to lift my head, and as I did I finally found my voice once again and the words I longed to speak flooded my lips once more! The end~

 So my friends, DEPRESSION does not need to hold you hostage, its not a death sentence, and your not weak, in fact your some of the strongest people I know so find your voice and speak the words that are in your heart  because your story is not finished yet!

Let Go of the Stress of Expectations~

   It is that time of year again, another year is behind us and a new Year, a new beginning lays ahead of us. So learn from this past year, take the lessons you have inquired and apply them to your life. Start this New Year with a fresh slate, full of possibilities and new adventures.

  Have you ever heard yourself saying ” I’m being pulled in so many directions” or “Everyone has a opinion of what we should do “Have you ever felt so frustrated, and frazzled trying to live up to everyone expectations of you? I know I have and it does nothing but bring unnecessary stress into your life and can trigger many emotions with the bipolar.

  Thing  is were only HUMAN, yes repeat that over until that sinks in, we can’t be everything to everyone all at the same time, and a lesson  we must all learn and the sooner you learn it the better is that WE can’t PLEASE EVERYONE! We cannot be perfect, no matter how hard we try or strive to obtain it, it will never be! Perfection is not reality and when we are caught up in expectations of others, then one thing is certain we will fall because we cannot do it all.

   All we can do is trying our best and when we try our best then that is the best we have given. No one else should expect anything more than what we can give. Knowing when to say NO, when to say I cannot do that, when to say another time or even tell those we love that they are giving to much advice.

   Advice is good to seek from good Godly people that understand what you are dealing with, a friend who is going through the same struggles. Too many voices of people given g their two cents can wreck havoc on us and how we feel about ourselves, especially when we fall short of what they expect of us. then it becomes a viscous cycle that we then put ourselves down. It becomes harder to pull ourselves out of that pit.

 We know what our bodies can handle, most of the time. There may be times when another voice of reason is needed to bring perspective back into focus, when our minds are running and the thoughts can be sorted out, its ok to ask for help when things get to that point. Just remember this, you are a individual that God made for a diving purpose that only YOU can fulfill! Don’t get caught up in what others think you should do or who you should be or how you should act, be yourself, embrace your strengths and grow from your weaknesses, and let go of false expectations that will leave you nothing but  worn out and sometimes feeling unfulfilled.

  SEE what is realistic and don’t overdo it, you’re doing a great job, you have a lot to handle,  so embrace the beauty of what God has called you to do and no one should expect anything more than what you can give because what you give is enough,,, YOU are enough!

Reach out and Speak up~

  Hello readers, I apologize for being away for so long. Between dealing with my grandfathers death and my own dungeon of depression I was feeling trapped for a short time, so I didn’t even have the energy or motivation to write, and writing is such a huge part of who iam as a person.

I was in a very dark place, a place that was too familiar to me. a place in my mind that I didn’t want to travel back to, a place I had been feeling l like I was seeing my life play out before me.I didn’t want others to view me as weak, I know the truth I know bipolar and depression is never a sign of weakness, but I was scared, of what new people in my life would think.

   I didn’t want to reach out or speak up, I wanted to fight the thoughts myself, but I know from experiences that never ends well. What was I so fearful of? I know I was when those suidical thoughts afraid that if I got in it deep enough it might take me.I was not honest with my husband or my therapist~. I hid it well, at every counseling session I never told her that it was getting bad again and I just wanted to   wish it all away.

  I finally was honest with my husband and my therapist. im glad I was .I could no longer keep this secret. It was tough to be that vulnerable again after all these years. of not feeling  secure, feeling afraid of myself. Its important to reach out and speak up when you feel a episode coming on, don’t hide away that’s the very worse you can do, when you need help, it might be a medication adjustment or or you need to see your therapist!, don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today!

  To many people suffer in silence and fall through the cracks! There is no shame in saying I need extra help right now in the long run it will benefit you in so many positive ways!.You’ve come so far, there will be bumps ng the road of this journey, just buckle down and hold on, You will get through and you,just like you always have and you always will.So if you’re having tough time reach out, don’t wait until its too late!~.

What is Bad Judgement, and How Do You Deal With It?

Today’s topic is “what is Bad judgment and how do you determine what is and what isn’t  bad judgment? We all make mistakes, every one of us, whether it’s in our relationships, or finances or something we said or did that we later regret. For those who deal with mental health issues, we at times can really have it tough, when it comes to making wise decisions,.

  I know when I speak for myself from my experiences dealing with my bipolar over the years, ive had times when I let my emotions and feelings rule my choices I made. Instead of thinking before I acted, I acted and then thought about the consequences after, which is never a good thing.

Like any aspect of our illness, we can learn to deal with it using healthy coping skills. ive said this before, we can’t control our feelings, but we can learn how to control how we react to them. There were many times over the years, that when I was dealing with a manic phase instead of seeking the guidance from someone I loved I took on the decision by myself and sometimes made a mess of things.

 A lot of times when a person is dealing with a manic episode its difficult to rationalize reality and to be in the moment. I for one dealt with bad decisions of overspending, I just did not think of consequences of not spending wisely; in turn this caused friction in my husbands and my marriage. That was a reality that I really need to work on. over the years ive got a much better grasp on that, we all have our bad days.

  What about when we say something that hurt someone else, while dealing with a episode. That happened to me many times, especially my husband; he was the one who was always there when I seemed to be having a tough time.  I did not always express how I felt to him, I was not being honest which is very important for any relationship to grow and thrive is honesty. We learn what is appropriate to say and what is not, we can’t beat ourselves up over it.

 I just learned that its all part of learning and growing as a individual and as someone who deals with depression. Use every experience as a learning tool, embrace each moment that you are learning to handle yourself and your illness in a more healthy and productive way.

In those early years of my bipolar, anytime I said or did something and made a bad judgment, I beat myself up over it. Then I became depressed and the vicious cycle started again, then I finally learned that im human, and making mistakes is part of growing, and dealing with everyday situations, now days I still have a bad day.

I’ve also learned to reach out for help and take hold of the resources that are available to me.  I cannot punish myself or hold it over me, when I make a mistake. I learn from it. It’s all part of loving and accepting yourself and learning how to  be the best version  of yourself and not letting your illness confine you to a negative definition of yourself , but to grow and learn and better understand how you can live with bipolar in a more healthy way.